tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51004248203396971932024-03-13T17:26:18.673-07:00Embracing the StormOpportunity in Change and ConflictAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16956488866109060960noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100424820339697193.post-12071531056203187362013-09-13T19:09:00.000-07:002013-09-13T19:09:10.726-07:00Tolerance<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">I have been
distressed this past week by the efforts of the governing party in Quebec to
pass its Charter of Quebec Values, essentially banning all expressions of
religious expression from public life.
For those of you who have not followed this story – if passed, employees
of public institutions will be forbidden from wearing anything but the smallest
of religious symbols to work. In other
words, hijabs, turbans, kippas – all will be banned. From the government’s perspective, they are
protecting Quebec’s cultural values of secularism. From the perspective of those opposed, at
best, the government is promoting intolerance; at worst such legislated action
can lay the foundation for increased hatred, bullying and other acts of violence.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">What does it mean
to be a tolerant society? Intolerance
and conflict after all are so very closely linked. It is true that some of the conflicts we
encounter are over real and tangible issues.
One could even argue that the debate in Quebec is over a real and
tangible issue: What does it mean to be
identified as Quebecois? Under such a
real and tangible issue, however, often lies a more hidden and potentially
sinister root. <i>We just don’t like or tolerate those who differ from us.</i> Or even worse, <i>we gain unity by mutually excluding another. </i>I am reminded that the holocaust was made
possible in part because of years and years of sanctioned exclusion and
intolerance. </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">Lest we feel
comforted that we are not Quebec, let us consider how this underlying intolerance
might find expression in our own lives. Perhaps
we cannot accept this other person because their personality is too odd or too
strange or too loud or too quiet. Or we
cannot accept this other person because they belong to a group of which we are
suspicious. Or we cannot accept this
other because in some way, we are threatened by their very existence. When we are intolerant of differences we run
the very serious risk of not only dehumanizing the other, we ourselves are
dehumanized. </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">As I write this,
I am hearing echoes in my mind of people I know who have struggled with abusive
or unkind colleagues yet they have been told that they must tolerate these very
colleagues because the issue is simply that their personalities differ from one
another. In other words, the people have
been accused of intolerance. Acceptance
of differences does not mean acceptance of abuse. In contexts of abuse or dysfunction, we may
need to enhance our boundaries absolutely.
Acceptance of differences, however, does mean being open to crossing the
divide that separates all of us, to seeing all people of all walks of life as
being on this journey together.
Acceptance of differences asks us to curiously, respectfully and even
lovingly grant one another unconditional positive regard.</span></span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16956488866109060960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100424820339697193.post-82584705953979997312013-08-30T14:20:00.000-07:002013-08-30T14:20:41.239-07:00Transforming Organizational Culture <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 12.0pt;">
Several years ago I was planning a
workshop on transforming organizational cultures and wanted to give the
workshop the title:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Transforming your Organization’s DNA.</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of my colleagues challenged this title
suggesting that it was presumptuous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“DNA is what it is,” she said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“You cannot transform it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At
best, you can transform its impact.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
accepted my colleague’s council and the name of the workshop was changed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll confess, however, that to this day I
have felt unresolved with this conversation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Is it true that an organization’s DNA cannot change?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If so, does this mean that in the absence of
the ability to change our core organizational culture, if an assumption
associated with this culture is false our organizations must become relics or
die?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or, was my colleague correct in
suggesting that while organizational essence (DNA) is stable, we must work at
transforming the experience or impact of this essence to stay relevant for the
21<sup>st</sup> Century?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 12.0pt;">
These last days I have been
reading the excellent book by Edgar H. Schein <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Organizational Culture and Leadership.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></i>Schein states repeatedly that transforming an organization’s culture
is really, really hard work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Moreover,
Schein is clear that what may appear to be a cultural assumption in need of
transforming may in fact be a critical element of how an organization not only
functions but how it achieves success.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Schein
also offers that sometimes an organization’s DNA must in fact be
transformed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps the cultural
assumptions that once made the organization successful do not work so well in a
new social or economic environment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or
perhaps the organization’s DNA had dangerous mutations in it right from the
beginning that threaten the success or the very life of the organization.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 12.0pt;">
I have had the privilege of being
invited into many organizations over these past 20 plus years – many of whom
have asked specifically for assistance in regards to transforming some part of
their organization’s culture or DNA.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not
infrequently, I have heard about painful and damaging conflict that was at the
very essence of how a group began.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just
as often, leaders observe conflict developing as organizations seek to modify
key cultural assumptions regarding how or why they exist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or, organizations sense their relevance
slipping but are at a loss to navigate effectively the organizational changes
required to regain their erstwhile success.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 12.0pt;">
In medicine we have learned these
last years that certain experiences (diet, stress, etc) can turn genes on or
off, essentially modifying an individual’s DNA or at the very least how that
DNA is experienced by the individual carrying it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The suggestion is that we can do quite a lot
to modify how the very building blocks of who we are, are expressed in our
bodies. The same holds true in organizational life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 12.0pt;">
What are the experiences that turn
the genes of our organizations on or off?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Stress, crisis, rapid growth or decline, changes in the culture of the
people we are hiring or serving, competition… all of these are somewhat
happenstance experiences (in other words, mostly beyond our control) that
contribute heavily both to change in our organizational cultures or more
likely, to the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">need for change</i> in our
organizational cultures.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Leadership in
this context is about navigating these changes and managing the cultural shifts
required to thrive in this context of change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This is not for the faint of heart!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The answers are not easy; nor are the consequences of the changes we
make always foreseen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Transforming an
organization’s culture is a little like driving a car – we make many
corrections in our steering along the way with the hope that the road we are
driving on will lead to the destination we are seeking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can follow road maps, seek the counsel of
fellow travelers on the road, read signposts, ask for the advice of our
passengers and we can keep our hands on the steering wheel, remembering that
the decisions we are making have a tremendous impact not only on the success of
our organization but as importantly, on the people we lead and serve.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16956488866109060960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100424820339697193.post-70496553734262676192013-08-17T19:55:00.002-07:002013-08-17T19:55:36.320-07:00Leadership Lessons on the Water<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">One of my favourite
summer activities is to set out on the water in a canoe with my family as far
away from civilization as I can manage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having
recently returned from another trip, I’ve got canoeing on the brain again and
thought it might be fun to explore the leadership lessons I have learned on the
water.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Gisha;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What else is going on for me that is
influencing my reaction?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Ok, actually this first
lesson I learned while travelling in India with a few friends many, many years
ago but it applies to canoeing with family as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I was 23 I travelled in India with two
friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before we left, a shocking
number of people told us that we would return enemies – these people assumed that
it was impossible to travel well with another person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love a challenge and set out to prove the
naysayers wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was determined the
trip would go smoothly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And so, each
time I became frustrated I asked myself three questions:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I hungry?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Am I thirsty?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I overwhelmed? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Usually I could say yes to at least one of
those three questions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, I
discovered that a large percentage of the conflicts I could have experienced
would have been self-generated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes,
there were challenges along the way (like the time an interior flight was
cancelled and everything that could go wrong did) but I observed that more than
anything else, it was my <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">reactions</i>
that created my pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The more I could
see the “environmental” reasons for my own reactions, the more I could avoid
some conflicts altogether.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The same
holds true on the water.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Am I
hungry?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I thirsty?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I overwhelmed?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or, said more simply:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“What else is going on for me that is
influencing my reaction?”</span><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Gisha;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">It is hard to paddle alone.</span></i></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">This year, I had a 12 year
old and a 13 year old in my canoe with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>On sunny days, they, um, enjoyed resting a fair bit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In other words, at least some times a good
deal of my paddling was solo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But on the
days where the wind blew hard, I depended on my two canoe-mates and they
depended on me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We cannot traverse hard
times alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We need the support of
those around us.</span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></b></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Gisha;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Sometimes those outside of your immediate
situation can provide you with good advice!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></i></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">On our first day out,
despite my best efforts the wind kept pulling our canoe around.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then, someone from another canoe let me know
that the weight in our canoe was imbalanced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We repositioned our bags and away we went, happily into the wind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Gisha;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Nothing really beats good preparation.</span></i></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Rains and storms may come,
cuts and bruises may occur, and mosquitoes can buzz without end but when
prepared, one can not only greet these obstructions with relative peace, one
can accept them as an anticipated – even important – part of the journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></b></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Gisha;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Take time for joy, mystery, beauty and
wonder.</span></i></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On our trip, we found the most amazing beaver
dam – at least 3 meters high and even more meters long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Above the dam, the backed up water had
effectively killed the stand of birch trees that once had surrounded the
erstwhile creek.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still standing, the
trees now looked like white sentinels against a dark wooded background.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We found this little bit of wonder by
following a forgotten little creek and climbing alongside a waterfall out of
which it tumbled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Had we been rushing,
we never would have seen this mysterious little place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In work as in play, joy, mystery, beauty and
wonder are there for the noticing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Who knows what new leadership
insights will emerge in such a mysterious context?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span></span><br /></span><br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16956488866109060960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100424820339697193.post-12471116704597361722013-07-07T20:30:00.001-07:002013-07-14T19:06:40.166-07:00The Danger of Artificial Harmony<!--[if !mso]>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-size: large;"></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">In his book <i>The
Advantage</i>, Patrick Lencioni refers to the organizational problem of <i>artificial harmony</i>. He argues that 80% of organizations live in
the space of artificial harmony – the space where people cannot, may not (!),
speak honestly or authentically about their perspective regarding all manner of
things in organizational life. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">According
to Lencioni, the impact of artificial harmony is that people end up not buying
into organizational decisions. This
absolutely has been my experience. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">But there
is another angle of artificial harmony that Lencioni refers to that is worth
exploring further. Organizations that
live in artificial harmony typically do not live only there. Instead, they ricochet between artificial
harmony and mean-spirited personal attacks (see the diagram above). When people cannot be honest with one
another, they are left to their imaginations to determine the intentions of the
other. Here our imaginations do not help
us. </span></span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">When we are not permitted to speak
into a situation that impacts us, when we are constrained by artificial
harmony, when the actions of another have shut us down, it is easy to see the
other in a negative light to the degree that even if we maintain artificial
harmony publicly, privately we slide into mean spirited personal attacks. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Neither end of the continuum above leads to
organizational health.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The ideal conflict point lies between artificial harmony and
mean-spirited personal attacks. From this place we can disagree honestly,
passionately and yes, even kindly with one another. This is not about inviting tepid
engagement. It is also not about being so
direct we are hurtful. This is about
inviting active engagement and nurturing healthy disagreement, recognizing that
the most useful wisdom typically emerges from dialogue about differences rather
than agreement reached too easily. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16956488866109060960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100424820339697193.post-15968085065840315022013-06-21T18:58:00.000-07:002013-06-21T18:59:58.702-07:00Leadership & the Capacity to Tolerate Pain<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">In today’s culture we hear a lot about
leadership and in many ways live under the assumption that all people must
aspire to some level of leadership in their lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Leadership does come with its benefits:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Permission is given to have influence; there
is a measure of prestige and increased pay associated with leadership; leaders
navigate change and shepherd visions; leadership can be a fun ride...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Often, it is also painful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, church consultant Peter Steinke
states that leadership must include the capacity to tolerate pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is true not only in the church world; it
is also true in the business world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
don’t hear much about this reality in leadership literature yet most leaders
with whom I speak agree that pain and its partner, loneliness, are a part of
the leader’s job description.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">One of the “greatest hit” articles in the
Harvard Business Review is entitled <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Level
5 Leadership:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Triumph of Humility
and Fierce Resolve.</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jim Collins, the
author of this article, states that excellent leaders give away credit and take
on critique.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is excellent advice
but in the midst of a hard go when the people around the leader have not done
their job well, this is hard advice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
it leads to the pain and loneliness leaders are required to tolerate.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">When leaders work at culture change, make
mistakes, engage naysayers, mediate disputes, hear critique, manage
organizational failures they come face to face with the challenges and pains
associated with leadership.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How leaders
tolerate pain defines their leadership.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Will leaders blame others for their pain?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will they lash out against the people they
are leading?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will they become blind to
their own contribution to their pain?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Will they become destroyed by the naysayers to the degree that their
capacity to shepherd the organization’s vision is compromised?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>OR, will they digest (and release) the pain
in order to stay grounded and focused on both the organization’s overarching
vision as well as what modifications are required of them (not the others) in
order to more effectively live into this vision?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Excellent leadership must include the
capacity to tolerate this pain.</span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16956488866109060960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100424820339697193.post-12240765740242304572013-06-07T12:56:00.003-07:002013-06-21T19:00:46.989-07:00The Mindful Leader<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“The success of an
intervention depends on the interior condition of the intervener.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(William O’Brien)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I have mulled over this quote at least 100
times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is this true?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it is, I am both humbled and well,
scared.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And maybe we should all be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>O’Brien after all was not talking so much
about consultants as he was business leaders.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If this is true – it demands of those of us who see ourselves as leaders
in any way, “How are we attending to our inner condition?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">My own journey of leadership has led me directly and
indirectly again and again into the practice of mindfulness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While the term mindfulness emerges from the
Buddhist tradition, every religion has some version of mindfulness and the
practice of mindfulness itself has entered the mainstream in North America to
the degree that its benefits no longer reside solely with those who would
consider themselves religious.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Mindfulness has four fundamental principles on which it
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and release.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Attention invites us to focus
on the now, to live fully in the present moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Because to lead well we must have the capacity to listen deeply to the
wisdom as it is being revealed to us in whatever moment we find ourselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In addition, to be fully present to this
moment we must allow our egos to rest in order to be fully present to the
other, whoever that might be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Part of
our problem of course is that as we seek to live fully in the moment, our mind
stirs up memories, judgements (of self and other), associations and distractions
– all of which draw us away from the moment and all of which can enslave us to
the protection of our egos.</span></div>
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</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Mindfulness invites us to become aware of these memories,
judgements, associations and distractions, to accept them without judgement and
then to release them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If we are honest,
many of us would recoil from the thoughts, feelings and sensations that make
their way through our bodies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The wisdom
of mindfulness is this:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We cannot
release that which we have not accepted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Further, as we practice non-judgement toward ourselves, we learn the
discipline of practicing non-judgement toward the other or the situation;
allowing a deeper wisdom and compassion to emerge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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</div>
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</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Having both accepted and released themselves, mindful leaders
become grounded and almost strangely calm, yet very present; they listen deeply
and with compassion for the wisdom emerging in whatever situation they – and
the people they are serving – are in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This is at the center of their gift to the interventions they lead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16956488866109060960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100424820339697193.post-66232361117043096932013-05-24T21:37:00.001-07:002013-06-21T19:01:21.708-07:00Accountability That Rests On “Tell Me More”<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">A significant responsibility of those in leadership is to
hold others accountable for their opinions and/or for actions they have
taken.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Holding others accountable is a
difficult task at best and at worst, it leaves those with whom we are working
feeling dismayed or even destroyed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is
it possible to hold someone accountable while allowing them to walk away from
our conversation with them with their head held high?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I offer the following phrase as a starting
point:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Tell me more.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Let us assume that you are leading a meeting and someone at
this meeting has offered an opinion with which you disagree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And let assume that the opinion that was
offered was laced with an ounce or two of bitterness, possibly over a decision
that did not go as the speaker had anticipated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Our temptation in these moments is simply to respond to the statement
that was made, offering information and possibly defending the decision that
was made.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The problem with this approach
is that as we defend our position, the speaker tends to become defensive as
well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And in their defensiveness, the
speaker entrenches into his/her position.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Further, the speaker has not been effectively held accountable for the
opinion they offered – an opinion sometimes based on limited information.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Alternately, let us consider the impact of the phrase:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Tell me more.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When the speaker offers their opinion and we
respond with a curious question or an invitation for them to tell us more, two
things happen:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">1) The speaker must back
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>2)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>As the speaker shares more about his/her opinion, he/she is more likely
to feel heard, especially if we listen well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Most people do not actually need to agree with the decision
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feel as though they have been heard – that they have had a voice in whatever
issue is being addressed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Tell me more”
not only ensures people feel heard, in the process it also holds the speaker
accountable for the opinion he/she is offering – but doing so in a way that
meets the speaker’s need (to be heard) and your own need (to encourage
accountability) at the same time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For a
three word phrase, this is not a bad deal at all.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16956488866109060960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100424820339697193.post-69466560252467541572013-05-13T17:50:00.002-07:002013-05-13T21:10:07.703-07:00Leadership & Unconditional Positive Regard<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">In my work, I spend a lot of time thinking about leadership
and the impact of leaders on organizational life. For quite some time now, I have found myself
saying the following to the people with whom I work who are seeking to enhance
their leadership and/or to become facilitators:
<i>Love the people you are leading. </i>In fact, in my more bold moments I have
been known to say: <i>If you don’t love the people you are leading, you have no business
being in leadership.</i> This may sound
pithy and trite or it may sound too “soft” for the business world, but I
believe that if we allow ourselves to really live into this statement, the
impact on us and those around us will be profound. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Recently a student reminded me that the psychologist Carl
Rogers more or less said the same thing when he advocated relating to one’s
client through the lens of unconditional positive regard. What Rogers believed and what I have found to
be true is that when people recognise themselves as valued <i>unconditionally </i>they are much more likely to change than when these
same people are only cared for conditionally.
Rogers, of course, was referring to the therapist-client
relationship. From my experience, the
same can be said of the leader – subordinate relationship. Leaders, like therapists, are frequently
engaged in seeking to support and/or challenge another’s behaviour. The problem is that people who do not feel
genuinely accepted <i>as they are</i> will
frequently respond to their leader with resistance and defensiveness. The great irony is that the more we accept
people as they are, the more they will feel free to change to become the person
they could be.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;">This
does <i>not</i> mean that underperforming is
ok. It also does not mean that we accept
poor behaviour in the workplace. It does
mean, however, that the people we lead will more likely reach the high bar we
set when they know in their bones that we first accept them as they are. </span></span></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16956488866109060960noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100424820339697193.post-69165120951312937132013-04-19T05:37:00.002-07:002013-04-19T05:37:39.202-07:00Healing the Big Hurts in our Lives – Revisited
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">A reader shared with me today that my Blog
post from several issues ago (Recovery from Big Hurts) left her a little
troubled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It wasn’t that she
disagreed with the post.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was
just that it all seemed to go too fast from trauma to a soaring spirit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m glad she expressed her concern
because that certainly wasn’t my intent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When I wrote that post, I had several specific situations in mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of them, from initial trauma to
closure was an 18 month journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Another was shorter; another longer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">When we are deep into the hard stuff, many
of us would like to rush through it quickly in order to escape to the peace on
the other side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This makes total
sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The hard reality is that
recovery from big hurts takes significant time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It cannot be rushed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, rushing that recovery might mean that we are not
acknowledging the depth of our pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And as the saying goes, unacknowledged pain is transferred pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In other words – pain that is
unacknowledged will find its way into another area of our lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And who among us wants to give that
much power to our original hurt?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">Another friend of mine commented to me
today that only those who have suffered can really understand another person’s
pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s probably right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But that kind of compassion doesn’t
come from gliding quickly over the hurts in our lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It comes from digging deeply into
ourselves as we wrestle with whatever it is that is before us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eventually this digging and wrestling
produces something within us that is pure gift.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have been in the crucible and ideally, we have emerged
refined.</span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16956488866109060960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100424820339697193.post-57768670882418810862013-04-05T06:27:00.001-07:002013-04-05T06:27:28.614-07:00Dealing With Difficult People
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">Flyers for workshops entitled “Dealing with
Difficult People” come across my desk now and then and certainly a quick Google
search on this title brings up a host of websites.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It always makes me wonder... Do the people who are being
called difficult know this about themselves?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who are the difficult among us and what makes them
difficult?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is absolutely true
that we not so infrequently encounter people in our lives who we and perhaps
even others might describe as difficult.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And knowing good skills re: how to manage conversations with these
individuals makes really, really good sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That said, I’d like to explore the difficult people question
from another angle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For me, the
fundamental question when encountering a difficult person is this:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What vulnerability in me is being
triggered by this encounter?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What
have I not come to peace with in my own life that this person’s behaviour is
raising to my attention?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">Many of us will have encounters with
difficult people that come and go so quickly, within days we hardly remember
the experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
then there are those encounters that stay with us much too long, causing us to
stay awake at night, creating illness within us...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps this person is a colleague or family member and we
cannot escape the difficult encounters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Perhaps we are tired and don’t have the energy to manage the difficult
person’s insecurities or moods.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps
the other person has, in fact, been inappropriate or rude and their behaviour
is not acceptable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All of this
could be true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In addition,
however, we must face the question from the perspective of our own personhood.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">Has the “difficult” person’s behaviour
triggered an insecurity we have not resolved?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Has our way of communicating triggered an insecurity in the other
person that has caused them to react with “difficulty”?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A friend shared with me today
that when she recently said the following: “That person makes me so mad,” her
spouse reminded her that actually she should say, “I allowed myself to make
myself mad at that person.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have
believed for a long time that the only person we can change is ourselves; our
responsibility in life is to reach ever more toward a greater maturity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of the first steps on that journey
is recognising our own piece of the puzzle whenever we might encounter someone
we declare to be difficult.</span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16956488866109060960noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100424820339697193.post-9113793698286564942013-03-22T06:30:00.003-07:002013-03-22T06:30:39.952-07:00Defining Forgiveness
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">Shortly before Christmas and on the heels
of the Newtown, Connecticut tragedy, the Canadian newspaper <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Globe and Mail</i> ran an article
entitled, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">How do we forgive?</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While I was thrilled to see the article
in the paper, the article troubled me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>While the author of the article proposed a definition of forgiveness, it
was clear that those interviewed were not necessarily operating out of the same
definition as the one proposed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those
interviewed were not only talking past each other, they were also talking past
the person doing the interviewing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Much has been said about forgiveness over the past 20+ years, yet we
still do not seem any closer to a definition to which we all or many can
agree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">The key points of dispute are this:</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><span lang="EN-CA">Does forgiveness require the
offender to ask for forgiveness or is forgiveness something we do for
ourselves, regardless of the repentance of the offender? </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><span lang="EN-CA">Is forgiveness the same thing
as saying “it’s ok”?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><span lang="EN-CA">Does forgiveness equal
reconciliation?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><span lang="EN-CA">Can we forgive on behalf of
others?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">According to my own attempts at a
definition, forgiveness is the opposite of saying “it’s ok.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To forgive means there was something
that in fact was “not ok.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
while it is often easier to forgive a repentant offender, we forgive first and
foremost for ourselves, to release ourselves from the pain of the event.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">But here it gets tricky:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To genuinely release ourselves from the
pain of the event usually involves coming to a place where we are able to see
the other as complex, capable of good and bad, just as we are complex, also
capable of good and bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes
when this happens we are able to extend the hand of grace to the other – when
this happens we observe a quality in the human spirit that is so profound, it can
only be described as holy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">Notice though that so far none of this is the
same as reconciliation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Forgiveness – precisely because it is so much a personal journey – can
easily be unconditional.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Genuine
reconciliation on the other hand goes beyond the personal to directly include
the other, it must always depend on the movement of the other as much as on the
movement of the self and as such, it is always conditional.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16956488866109060960noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100424820339697193.post-84191051758523406962013-03-08T11:57:00.004-08:002013-03-22T06:31:36.047-07:00Recovery From Big Hurts<style>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">I have the privilege now and then of
walking with people who have encountered deep and profound hurts in their
lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They wonder aloud to me
whether they will ever be better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Big hurts are so profound they make the very act of breathing hard. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They sear into our souls to a degree
that we can hardly imagine life returning to “normal” again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the hard truth is that life never
really does return to its old normal again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our only dying hope in these valleys of pain (and it is a
type of death) is that we will emerge on the other side alive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps wiser, perhaps stronger but in
our darkest moments, emerging alive is enough.</span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">The hard truth is that the big hurts of our
lives will change us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The question
is how.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Buried in this question is also the source of our strength –
because the question of how we will be changed depends significantly on
ourselves. Will we become wiser, stronger, more compassionate people?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or will we become embittered, angry and
sullen?</span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">Again and again I come back to a quote that
was shared with me more than 15 years ago:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hanging onto
resentment is like drinking poison but expecting the other person to die.</i>
Sometimes we know we are drinking poison but it has become like an addiction
and it is hard to stop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes
we want to stop but don’t know how.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sometimes the pain is so deep it is as though the poison is being thrust
into us by an unseen hand that refuses to let up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But every now and then, the glory of our human spirit is
greater than the resentments that threaten us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And in those moments, our spirits soar - sometimes
tentatively, sometimes boldly – but always with great courage toward a future
more profound and more whole than the hurts that once were killing us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16956488866109060960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100424820339697193.post-72731943143085411702013-02-25T14:44:00.000-08:002013-03-22T06:31:52.728-07:00The Upside of Down<style>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">Recently, I was speaking with a client
regarding the challenges she was encountering in her job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My client began to reflect on how her
greatest strengths seemed to flip to also become her greatest weaknesses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have thought about this before (and
experienced this myself) so yes, this made sense to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I wondered aloud to her:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What would happen if we flipped that around?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Could it be that her greatest strengths
might actually lie in the center of her weaknesses?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What if she saw
her weaknesses as the portal from which to encounter her strengths?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">One of the clearest examples of this I have
ever encountered was with a former supervisor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In his previous workplace Gary (not his real name) was known
as a barracuda, a power monger, perhaps even a bully.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gary knew power in all its forms; he understood its texture,
its nuances, he knew it so well he could taste it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Slowly and over time (through workshops and through the
courage of some people who could speak boldly to him) Gary came to realize that
his use of power was killing the people around him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the time Gary came to my place of work he had transformed
his use of power to the degree that he was and continues to be one of the most
empowering people I have ever met.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Gary’s perceived weakness (a misuse of power) was in fact the portal
through which he encountered his greatest gift:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To know power so well – in all its forms – so as to be able
to empower others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To throw away
all that knowledge of power would not only have been a loss, it would have denied
that which was core to Gary’s personality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It would also have denied those of us around him his gift of
empowerment.</span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">So I wonder, what are your weaknesses?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What gift might be lying there for you
among them?</span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16956488866109060960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100424820339697193.post-65635664349515183062013-02-21T20:48:00.000-08:002013-03-22T06:32:07.488-07:00Welcome!<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Welcome to my first blog posting. This blog has been a long time in the making – at least in as much as I have often written small “articles” or postings in my mind. Now I am finally committing those musings to “paper.“ In this blog I will be reflecting on themes related to conflict management and change.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> What has always inspired me in this work, is the journey of the individual in the context of the hard stuff of life. My hope is that this blog will not only provide insights into themes related to change and conflict, it will also speak to the location where change is always both the hardest and the most profound – in one’s self , the person riding the waves of whatever it is that their environment has thrown at them. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Welcome!</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16956488866109060960noreply@blogger.com0